Haunted by a Prayer

One meaning of haunt, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “to recur constantly and spontaneously to .”

I’ve been praying in very general terms about something, off and on, for a very, very long time.  I’m a firm believer in prayer and I believe that God hears and answers every prayer (even when the answer is no).  So, it hasn’t bothered me at all in the the years I’ve been praying for this one thing that I haven’t felt like God has said, “here’s your answer.”  I’ve only felt like He hears me and it wasn’t the right time.

More recently, I feel like I’ve come to a new place in that prayer.  I now have a very, very specific prayer.  Only, being the over-analyzing, impatient, second-guesser that I am, I wonder if this transformed prayer is my brain overtaking my heart and insisting that “now’s the time” and “enough already.”

I often question my own faith – that it isn’t strong enough or that I’m not good at hearing what God is trying to tell me.  So, inevitably, I start to doubt myself.  A perfect example of this was about 8 months before we got pregnant with Katie.  I was walking the dog around the block, alone.  I was just letting my mind wander, not really thinking about anything in particular.  All of a sudden, I had this image of our family growing from one kid to three.  The same thing happened a few more times and I just dismissed it as wishful thinking because there was just no way we could have three kids.  Now, I see how silly that was and I know that God was trying to show me something and prepare me.

So, here I am, haunted by this prayer that seems to have taken on a life of its own.  I keep seeing little things here and there that make me believe (or want to believe) that God is trying to tell me something.  The next minute, I chide myself for trying to read too much into things and warn myself that I shouldn’t get too hopeful or the pain of disappointment could be brutal.

And yet, I will continue to pray without ceasing and be thankful for His provisions.

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One thought on “Haunted by a Prayer

  1. Keep believing & praying, and maybe if you feel led, add to your prayers: “God, if this isn’t from You, make it clear and PLEASE take this desire out of my heart.”
    My biggest prayer when we lived up north was for God to move us South. It hurt so much every month that didn’t happen. And every YEAR it didn’t happen. I, too, often worried that maybe I was deceiving myself with this prayer…and as TERRIFYING as it was to give my ultimate heart’s desire freely up to God, (“OMIGOSH! What if His plan is for us to live in MI forever?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”) I had to trust that He wouldn’t leave me with this miserable longing over my ungranted prayer for my whole life, that He would either move us or make me not care about that anymore. Scary, yes. Freeing, incredibly!

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